Setbacks, Plateaus, and Progress.. All of the Above

 I have found it easy to write in my journals, since blogger just isn't the same as pencil and paper sometimes. I have had so much going on in my head. Everything is disorganized, but I'm sitting down and going to do my best to lay it out and drop a little bit of the burden on here. I don't reference my notes often, but it's good to have them. It makes me feel less pressure to haver everything in mind all of the time. I found that has been one of the more exhausting things I've put myself through.

So life, how are we doing Christian? I am pretty good at not acknowledging myself or discussing myself to my friends. A little mental self maintenance is necessary. I feel like last year brought a shift that made me lose a little bit of sight. I've never taken so little care myself. I went into the worst shape of my life and think I hit a bit of depression that I very actively hid from most people. It's been a whirlwind of a couple years that have made me lose a little bit of sight of my own identity. I didn't have the easiest childhood, but I developed appreciation for friends and family. That's me. Taking time everyday to absorb a moment. Mentally record a good laugh with someone. I've missed that me. But I'm reclaiming that part of me. That me made me a better friend, relative, lover. I thought neglecting myself was acceptable as I helped my family's burdens, but I was off.  

These past few weeks have been progress. I fully intend to hit the ground running and improve. I know myself well enough to feel I'm changing gears in the right direction. I've needed a lot of reflection and will continue to need it.

Family life:  My mom has been doing really well. I'm actually super happy for her because she reconnected with a cousin and some relatives in Colorado. She's flirting with the idea of moving there next year. I'd miss her for sure, but I'd be ecstatic for her, and I have an extra reason to visit Colo, which is on my bucket list. I spoke with my sister, and I think we're in agreement that we may stay in this house just until next summer. I have so many good memories here, so it'll be bittersweet. My brother has been doing better, and I'm going to continue to be a support when he needs it. 

Friends:  There's been such a shock to the system in the last 12 months or so with friends. A friend I thought would surely be a friend for life is someone I had to leave in the past. I sincerely hope he finds his way. I have reconnected with Tania and Britt. Tania is crazy, but she's one of those friends I always had no matter the time gaps. She also introduced me to J. I'm still getting to know her, but I find her intriguing and her friendship has been so rewarding and fun. Sofia and Erin are newish characters that kick ass. Lane has been a great dude I respect and have to hang out with more. Chelsea is a person I've grown to care for. What started low stakes and effortless, became real. Learning all about her world has been a highlight. The word 'space' has come up in conversation a lot as of late. Our friendship changes a lot, but I hope it's here to stay. 

Work life:  I'm slightly torn here. I love almost everyone I work with. I do see a plateau, and although I would miss my peeps a great deal,  I am considering looking at all opportunities while still working there. I suspect I'll even move next summer, so maybe back to Dallas? I'm not fully ready to launch into the planning phase, but no doors are closed and it's exciting. 

Dating:  Next question! So, I've taken a few steps here. I still feel like I need to make myself more of a viable option, but I'm getting there. The last few recent dates were a mixed bag. I am excited to get myself ready. One shift I've made is I will enjoy things more as they happen in the mean time. But Damnit, I can and will be a catch! :-)

Self: Tsk tsk! I've been so stressed this year. More times than I would want, I've gotten anxiety and wanted to call a friend to just burst out and let the floodgates open. I will always be grateful for everyone who is there, even if I hesitated to reach out. It's been about half a year of not physically or mentally taking care of myself. I'm stopping that on it's tracks. I am motivated and I know I won't let myself down. :-)  Also, I have a half marathon to prepare for next year. I'll be ready. Beachbod 2023 haha.

So as usual, a work in progress. I feel good though. A lot has happened in a short amount of time, and I'm going to rock the fuck out of this fall and winter. 

To Dos: 

-Gym routine- no excuses
-September Bdays- Angelica, Ernest, Chels, Will, Nikolette, Claire
-One week of PTO left, use it this year, let it roll into next year?
-Dentist
-Road Trip/Event! I crave! I crave!
-Some TLC for my car if road trip is a go

Weather: 80s with rain- Thanks but cooler please

Mood: Zen

Music: John Lennon (Citizen Cope)

Food: Made a slightly spicy chicken soup

 So, we meet again. Another crazy hiatus from blogging on this thing. I couldn't find my journal, so blogger to the rescue. 

Recap of the end off 2021:

-Thanksgiving was great. Quite filling. Gisella had the busiest one yet. I think she made it to three Thanksgiving gatherings. She was my dinner hopping buddy. 

-Christmas shopping: Stressful! But it was really just the idea of the crowds and traffic. I had a lot of fun picking out gifts and I think I found everyone some of the right stuff.

-Christmas: Christmas Eve was nice, but busy. I put off a lot of things until the last minute, ended up going to a Christmas dinner party, and still had wrapping to do hours before Christmas morning. I was exhausted, but in hindsight I'm glad I didn't skip anything other than some sleep. Christmas morning was great. Cold weather was missing in action, but family was there. We had a later start than usual, but Gisella was plenty patient. Stockings were filled with silly stuff, gifts were nice and thoughtful. 

New Year's- I got a little sick through it and couldn't head out to a party. Although I didn't bring in the year at 100%, I was grateful for 

Upcoming plans: 

June- Gisella's 9th! We don't know what we're doing yet, but it's on G's mind for sure. 

       - New Orleans! 2nd time's the charm? Trying to work out schedules to make the drive

July-  A couple of Birthday things, I'm sure lots of work, and some sleeping! 

August- Seattle! I'm pumped, excited, and all the other words! I'm ecstatic to finally be out over there with Chelsea and what all the fuss is about in the PNW. 

September- Rachel's wedding. I've been to sooo many weddings! Haha, I should have some damn good dance moves down.. you'd think! 

Beyond- We Shall See! 

Weather: 92- It hurt to type that. 

Mood: Aiight

Music: Adulthood (Jon Batiste)

Food: A banana- I should probably add to that

Another postcard with chimpanzees..And every one is addressed to me

Hah, I was recently listening to Another Postcard out of the blue. A real blast from the past.. and Barenaked Ladies pop up as a topic on an episode of Community. 

Work has been interesting. A lot of ups and downs. I think it has something to do with it being the first holiday season, so everyone is trying to figure out how to navigate it. We have a solid group though, so I'm not really concerned. Bring it on! The potluck we had planned for Christmas Eve got moved to Thanksgiving Eve. I really hope it's a success, but I gotta make some time to prepare whatever it is I'm going to do. I suppose I'm leaning towards a corn bread. Not the most attention grabbing option, but I feel comfortable making it. Another thing is white elephant and a potential secret santa on top of it. Honestly, I love to give gifts and hang out with friends, but there's just something about that 'mandatory fun' that really takes me out of it. I am glad though that at least it appears like all of our things are planned to be during the shift and not after. 

Something that I'm glad to see is my sister being happy with her partner. They've been together for a while, and he's really been a great addition to the family. He's definitely passed the Gigi test with flying colors. There's some peace of mind there, when it comes to potentially leaving weeks at a time or even moving. I've been talking about assignments outside of Texas for a bit now, and a loooong shot is kinda taking shape. A lot of things have to fall into place, but it's kind of exciting to think about. Denver might be a spot for the end of next year, both temporary and permanent (nothing is permanent, so permanent-ish). I have several friends who live in Aurora, which would make it awesome if it works out. A pipe dream for now, but it would be a sweet gig. In the way shorter term, I am probably hitting San Antonio for a few weeks.. which is a yay? haha I don't know. 

Another interesting development is hearing Beto has thrown his hat in for Governor. I was initially underwhelmed but okay with the prospect of McConaughey (sheesh that's hard to spell), but I think Beto is the right person for the job. He leans further left than a lot of Dems would like. But, it's what we need. I'm honestly so done with compromising towards the center when the right just goes further and further right. Our current governor has been nothing but an atrocity, and the laws being passed are just mind boggling. I've probably said this before, but sometimes I feel like I got dropped off in a parallel universe where common sense is warped. So Beto is an underdog in red Texas, but I have faith he's got the right message and plan to do the unlikely. 

Lots to do.. Lots to do.. and 2021 is expiring at a crazy speed.

- Get any last minute stuff for Thanksgiving.

- Prepare for another winter storm.. don't know how likely it is, but it's making the rounds on the news.

- Begin the process of making room for the Christmas tree (I think we're putting it up this week)

- Start up my Christmas shopping list! I NEED to get this thing going asap.. I don't even have the head count, let alone gift ideas. I can already see December hitting.. also gotta start getting some intel on what Gisella wants. I'm thinking it's time to get her that keyboard, but maybe a new bike or something. I don't really know.. she's not subtle, so it shouldn't be a challenge.

- Get the windshield replaced 

- Get the booster shot at some point. I'm not really sure where things are at with it, but I think I'm up soon.

- And so on and so forth

Anyway, it's been a week or so of being in a funk, but I'm feeling like it's turning out okay. Honestly, it's been a hectic year, but I am definitely grateful to be where I am right now. Onto better days! :-)

Weather: 60s- works for me

Mood: A little more upbeat than earlier

Music: Finesse (Bruno Mars, Cardi B)

Food: Tilapia and Veg (it was alright)

I'm On A Mission, Into Destination Unknown

So, I may have started my day off belting out an explicit song after my shower. Next thing I hear is, "Christian, that's $5!" Gisella has been on top of this deal we have going! It's been effective for the most part though. I have been somewhat better about keeping my language at bay.

Work has been.. work. The last few days have been a little on the dull side. I miss some of my friends who moved to night shift. I'm sure we'll coincide at some point soon though. Karens keep Karen-ing, and alarms keep going off when I walk in during the morning. Blegh, they apparently solved that now. 

Having had an interesting week or two, I've come across something I've never put serious thought into. I had an opportunity to move to Kansas. Although Kansas is less than appealing, it made me wonder why Texas has to be my future. My ties to it are my immediate family, but there's just something about getting comfortable in an uncomfortable place. Ever since I can remember, my mind had one foot out the door, but I never really had the means or motivation. I feel like maybe beginning to test the waters can get me to genuinely consider a literal move in the next couple years. 

So, although I have no clue where I want to go, I know the intention is there. An obvious bridge would be a new location for my current job, but then again I wouldn't expect to struggle finding another job anyway. The grapevine says places like Missouri and Oklahoma are coming next. Fingers crossed on a place like Colorado though. I'd probably jump on that chance if it's offered at work. I've always been fascinated by a place like that. At this moment it's not much more than thinking out loud, and a huuuuge thing for me is my niece. But should I take that step, better believe I'll be making frequent trips to see the awesomest human ever. 

Savings: Some
Car: Check
Motivation: Present
Destination: Unknown

Peace!

Christian Alejandro

Weather: 57 degrees.. love it

Mood: Decent with a side of meh

Music: I Wanna Be Your Slave (Maneskin)

Food: Jalapeno California Roll

Hey hey hoo, you know this is the way to go

So, blew off the blog for a bit. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood, but maybe it's the best time to write. I can ramble away at times, while struggling to put words together at others. I'm not exactly eloquent, but I should be able to write some thoughts!

There's been quite a series of events, but yeah on the mind is what I'm here for. I went through some confusion, some sadness, concern, but also a little relief. As cliché as it sounds, her happiness matters to me even if it means probably sunsetting an idea we tried to roll with. Did the moment pass? Perhaps it's just the timing was off. Maybe a moot point, but hey.. the brain wonders. A joke that came around a bit was that this was very teenage-like. It was. And I was there for it. It was fast, it was fun, and it was brief. The earlier conversation gave me clues, and I began trying to grieve the relationship despite uncertainties. One thing that became clear to me is that I didn't want to give up a friend in the process. So, it's not that I want to dismiss this relationship nonchalantly. I'm not over it by a long shot, because it did hurt knowing it's concluded. With it also goes the illusion of some of the plans we probably jumped the gun on. Do I regret it? Not a chance! But this is more about a friend's world I want to hold on to. So the question becomes can our friendship hold through. I genuinely believe so. We had the hardest conversation to this point, and I felt we handled it. Guarantees don't exist. But I'm confident that we've got this!

We.. Shall.. See

Christian

Weather: Sah-weet

Mood: Pensive but good

Music: We Got U (Lemaitre)

Food: Spicy Chicken Soup

This Is America!

Interesting few days I must say. This is the second time in a small while I encounter a person really going at it with the whole "covid is a hoax" thing. First, a guy at a friends house decided to rant about how the vaccine is bs and Trump is the solution to all. Telling him to knock it off only made the idiot more heated and start spewing Fox News points at me. Really tested me, but told him he's wasting his breath and cut it there. Another woman Today went off on masks. It's an overplayed routine, but what can ya do? All I know is there is a point where trying to persuade someone is futile. It's sad that common sense has taken a hit recently, but hopefully this is just a low point that we all learn from. "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!" Masks masks masks.. haha

So one thing I'm not sure how to approach at this point is my brother. It's hard to see someone go through a tough time and all I can do is be accessible. I can't and won't force anything because he has to make his own choices, but can't shake that feeling that I could do more. I trust he'll prevail in the end and will simply remind him we're around when he needs us. 

Work went well. Staffing was a bit low, but there weren't many fires to put out. I'm trying to learn as much as I can from the positions I don't normally work. Once I feel I'm solid enough to train in all spots, I'm looking forward to hitting new locations in other states. I don't know how big the business will get, but things are looking promising. Fingers crossed on New York if another location opens up there in the near future. My sister continues to make friends at work. They like her and are digging her work ethic. Proud of her for sure!

Gisella lost a tooth! It's apparently made her week. I attempted lowballing her for it, but she's not having it. She has it in her little tooth case and already under the pillow. 

Boneheaded me used a bandage on my burn to keep the aloe vera from coming off. Of course I used a bandage just a bit too small. I get home and remove and open some of the scab. dummy.. anyway, it's healing pretty well and doesn't hurt, so I'm thinking I'll survive!

The Mavs started playing again.. I haven't had that much interest in basketball lately, but good luck to them! Go Mavs

Hit the gym harder than usual last night. It really helped clear my head a bit. I'm thinking about switching to mornings before work since it makes it easier to just ride the wave after. One thing I need to get around to is adding stuff to that old gym playlist.. not gonna lie, it's getting a little stale. 

Bam! I'm out

Christian

Oldies but Goodies

Weather: Why do I bother?

Mood: Okayish

Music: Dance Off (Macklemore)

Food: Chicken Parm!

On The Mind

Sup! I do have the intention of being more consistent with this since I'm feeling it does a good job of unloading stuff I might otherwise let linger. It might take a few tries to get that habit going though.

Running Through My Head:

-Regrets.. big and small: I tell myself regrets and grudges are a couple of things that just weigh too much and are nothing but counterproductive. But like I've said before, telling myself is one thing, actively processing and learning to move on is the tricky part. My go-to move, with regrets in particular, is to kick the can down the road. Avoid and let future me deal with it. The problem with that is that present me is actually dealing with it, but in the wrong way. So it's a good a time as any to acknowledge the company I have and reach some closure.

    A regret that is minor since I suppose it only affects me at this point is my reaction to my sister's pregnancy. She was with a guy I knew wasn't going to be there, and I honestly hated the idea of her having a child with him. I only frowned expecting her to have to raise her alone once the guy flaked, but it was enough for me think, "wow, the very first time I hear about my niece's pending arrival, I basically hated the notion." As it turned out, she's my favorite person of all. One of the greatest things I've had happen to me is becoming her uncle. So yes, I was naïve and messed up in thinking my sister made a mistake and was about to raise a child on her own. Of course, she's never been alone in this, and of course I will always count my lucky stars for having this awesome kid in my life. So yeah, dumb flub that bugs me from time to time, but it's something I need to forgive myself for because I know I can and will always be a rock for my niece for as long as she needs me. 

-Self-consciousness: In talking with Chelsea, I've been picking up that I'm really letting self-consciousness take too big a role. I know I wasn't like this before, but my self-worth took a little bit of a hit. A silly thing that gets me is being used to taking my fitness more seriously. Perhaps it was partly a past relationship, the pandemic, stress from my former job, but I really slacked off and have been going up and down in weight and confidence. So, easy plan of attack: treat my mind and health better. I've been hitting the gym and rebuilding stamina. I've been cooking more and as it turns out, it's kinda fun! Basically, this one is on the upswing and I think I'll get a grip of it soon enough. 

-Birthday Numero 34: The last couple of birthdays have been a bit busy with work or other stuff, so it's pretty awesome to have plans already for the next one. I spoke with my manager about requesting a week off, and it seems greenlit once I have the set dates. So YESS! Excited about that. Sometimes I don't express the thrill outwardly as much, but it's there! I'm looking forward to every minute of my birthday week! :-) But yes yes.. as Chelsea has been reminding me, it's fun to anticipate and think about way ahead, but important to stay in the present.  But hey... maybe a little day dreaming is okay.. it's planning, yeah let's call it planning!

To wrap up, work has been going well minus a burn on my arm. Tsk tsk. My sister is killing it with the crew. A great co-worker already took  her under her wing. I've only trained her on a couple things, and she's already rocking it. Home life is good. Oakley has been doing better. 

I've run out of steam.. so cutting it off here.

Until next time,

Christian Alejandro

Weather: Hot hot hot

Mood: Pretty Decent

Music: Another Postcard (Barenaked Ladies)

Food: Salad with Chicken and Grilled Vegetables

Picture Day!

So, something that became clear to me is that my mom was a sucker for those school portraits. I came across a bunch while sifting through boxes. Lots of tidbits from childhood. Some I don't remember, but others I do fondly.

Is this my peak??

I actually found the savings bond.. Shopping spree in the near future?!

Everything is bigger in Texas?

Can I be any more thrilled? Any time someone sings Happy Birthday to me.. "What do I do with my face??"

Feeling like an adult at work. The hat sells it. 

This is no snowball fight.. We throw ice at each other down here. 

No time to smile.. lot's of Christmas unpacking to do!

Top Right.. One of my favorite years. 

The sibs in excellent unmatching outfits.

Hah, the curls I soon outgrew

90s background please

Not the first time I see a collar under another one.

Ernest being quite photo ready

So I'm basically at the worst of it when it comes to the garage. It looks like a disaster area, but I think I'm getting close to a turning point. I'm not in a rush, but do want to keep chipping away at it. 

Work was fine, Life is good, and the night is calm. I don't have much to complain about. 

Deuces!

Christian

Weather: Excellent

Mood: Chill

Music: Going On (Gnarls Barkley)

Food: Chicken Alfredo (yummm)

In The Garage...I Feel Safe, No One Cares About My Ways

I've accepted the challenge of reclaiming the garage space. This is no fall cleaning.. it's a Spring/Fall cleaning many times over. I got a lot done the first night and have slowed the pace since, but I'm planning on putting in a few hours tomorrow. I take deeper meanings out of things even when it's not necessary. The garage has so much stuff that was valuable to me once that isn't essential anymore. There's also plenty of things that although have a place, they simply need to be reorganized. Priorities change, but sometimes I keep an outdated list. On a lighter note, it's been a lot more fun with my helper. We've blasted music and although there's a lot of messing around, I wouldn't call it time wasted.

My helper in the garage!

Work has been solid. One day closer to bringing the sib onboard. She met some of my peeps Today and said it felt like a good atmosphere. She has orientation tomorrow, and it appears she's starting on Saturday. I'm looking forward to training her and having her meet the rest of the crew. 

My brother had been making some progress post breakup. He cried over the phone and seemed to have a little bit of a breakthrough, but it didn't hold. He took her back Today, and it's such a difficult thing to accept. I know the relationship is his, but not only has it been damaging to him, it's affected all of us. As his brother, I'm torn about what to do next. It's been a couple years of escalation, but nothing we've said has gotten through to him. I think the only thing I can do is continue offering support. I believe my mom, sister, and I need to start learning to be available while also not carrying the burden all the time. He's the baby brother, but he's also an adult with his own path to take. I'll always root for him though. 

On a last and brighter note, my conversations with Chelsea have been great. Great is kind of a bland word. Refreshing hits the nail better. Maybe I'm not the best at expressing gratitude in the moment, but I am truly thankful. 

Until Tomorrow (Hah, that's optimistic)

Christian

Weather: Decent

Mood: Solid

Music: No Matter What (T.I.)

Food:Coca cola gummies (Gisella said they're my favorite)

Come on, Brain.. Let's Get On The Same Page

Big canvas in the hallway I see every morning!

Today started off with the freakin washer wanting to take the day off. Blah! We talked it out, and came to an understanding. I've been getting a little too comfortable with not leaving much time before shifts. Tsk tsk.. I'll make adjustments there. Eh not tomorrow though.. maybe next week.. yeah next week. 

A friend talked to me about his life back in Hawaii. He's a happy dude, but I could tell there was bigger boost in spirit as he brought back some memories from the island. It's interesting to see how he described a busy routine over there as more challenging than here, yet it was apparent he'd seize the chance to go back. It just shows home isn't always where you spend your nights. Most of the time it's waiting for you at the end of the day, but sometimes it's filed away in the past or waiting to manifest in the future. 

A topic that comes up every now and then are kids. A lot of subtle questions, but the gist is, "Where are they?" Being in my thirties has a lot of questions that I supposedly would've answered by now. Even the younger version of me in this blog had me married by this age. Living conventionally or by a socially accepted formula hasn't been a priority of mine, so I've simply gone with "I don't want kids" and don't care what other people think about it. Being unfazed actually kept me from really reflecting on the why of it all. I had a formed opinion and never delved deeper because I didn't feel the need to. So why didn't I want kids? It's not because I don't like them. If anything they liven up the mood. My niece brings out the kid in me and I love all the time I spend with her. It's not that I'm impatient or lazy. I'd happily bend over backwards for a little one I'm responsible for. Maybe an economic aspect, but then again that would never be the real deterrent. My best guess is that I've always been exposed to a poor assortment of fathers. It seems to be an ongoing theme with this blog because it's probably an ongoing theme in my life. I can be logical and know that I could easily be a better dad than the examples I've had growing up. But logic takes a backseat to my subconscious telling me I can't fail as a dad if I never have a kid to fail in the first place. Does being aware of my silly reasoning change my stance? Sure, it does some. I think I'm disciplined enough to not repeat the mistakes of my father and stepfather. I still have a lot to learn, but perhaps I'll reach a point where I will adopt a child who will teach me more as we figure the whole thing out together. One thing that hasn't changed is that the clock is my own, and arbitrary deadlines can fuck right off. 

Peace out!

Christian

Weather: Warm
Mood: Good, with a side of Meh, and a pinch of Sigh
Music: Summercat (Billy Vision & The Dancers)
Food: A sad ham and cheese sandwich.. Oakley eagerly standing by as clean up crew.