Today started off with the freakin washer wanting to take the day off. Blah! We talked it out, and came to an understanding. I've been getting a little too comfortable with not leaving much time before shifts. Tsk tsk.. I'll make adjustments there. Eh not tomorrow though.. maybe next week.. yeah next week.
A friend talked to me about his life back in Hawaii. He's a happy dude, but I could tell there was bigger boost in spirit as he brought back some memories from the island. It's interesting to see how he described a busy routine over there as more challenging than here, yet it was apparent he'd seize the chance to go back. It just shows home isn't always where you spend your nights. Most of the time it's waiting for you at the end of the day, but sometimes it's filed away in the past or waiting to manifest in the future.
A topic that comes up every now and then are kids. A lot of subtle questions, but the gist is, "Where are they?" Being in my thirties has a lot of questions that I supposedly would've answered by now. Even the younger version of me in this blog had me married by this age. Living conventionally or by a socially accepted formula hasn't been a priority of mine, so I've simply gone with "I don't want kids" and don't care what other people think about it. Being unfazed actually kept me from really reflecting on the why of it all. I had a formed opinion and never delved deeper because I didn't feel the need to. So why didn't I want kids? It's not because I don't like them. If anything they liven up the mood. My niece brings out the kid in me and I love all the time I spend with her. It's not that I'm impatient or lazy. I'd happily bend over backwards for a little one I'm responsible for. Maybe an economic aspect, but then again that would never be the real deterrent. My best guess is that I've always been exposed to a poor assortment of fathers. It seems to be an ongoing theme with this blog because it's probably an ongoing theme in my life. I can be logical and know that I could easily be a better dad than the examples I've had growing up. But logic takes a backseat to my subconscious telling me I can't fail as a dad if I never have a kid to fail in the first place. Does being aware of my silly reasoning change my stance? Sure, it does some. I think I'm disciplined enough to not repeat the mistakes of my father and stepfather. I still have a lot to learn, but perhaps I'll reach a point where I will adopt a child who will teach me more as we figure the whole thing out together. One thing that hasn't changed is that the clock is my own, and arbitrary deadlines can fuck right off.
Peace out!
Christian
Weather: Warm
Mood: Good, with a side of Meh, and a pinch of Sigh
Music: Summercat (Billy Vision & The Dancers)
Food: A sad ham and cheese sandwich.. Oakley eagerly standing by as clean up crew.
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